I really like our new president.

Really, I do. But I find I need to keep reminding myself of it. Of course, I like the girl that sells me bagels at Raley’s too, but I wouldn’t have voted for her either had she been running. But then, I actually saw her out running one evening in what appeared to be the amalgamation of a bikini top and track shorts. Maybe I would vote for her. I’ll also wager she doesn’t eat a lot of bagels.

Suffice it to say that every time President Obama opens his mouth I keep looking at the note I wrote in the palm of my hand that says I will give the man one hundred days before I start pounding on his every thought, word, deed or policy.

And I will.

Probably.

In the mean time, someone sent me an email asking what I am. After some email banter, I came to understand that he wanted a position statement from me. In addition to making me feel terribly important, this gave me something to write about this morning.

Metaphorically, if politics were a college, I would major in conservatism and minor in libertarianism. The libertarian in me is more like a stain that won’t wash off. (How often do you find nested metaphors in a blog?) Frankly, I find them to be just a bit too socially Darwinist for my taste.

Bruce on Marriage:

I firmly believe that the ideal family model is one man traditionally married to one woman, both completely devoted to the best interests of each other and to those of their children. Now you can’t get much more conservative than that, can you? Actually, you can but we won’t go there.

But the libertarian stain on my collar won’t leave it at that. Libertarian Bruce demands to know why the majority, in the guise of The Government, thinks it can tell people that just because an arrangement is not ideal, they are not allowed to participate in the process at all.

Curiously, the same crowd that insists on coed wedding cakes frequently decries liberal notions of idealism when some pinko city councilperson decides the people in his or her district are too damned fat and pushes laws restricting business licenses for fast food outlets.

Bruce on taxes:

I am not against taxes, nor am I against tax increases. I am fully aware of the need for taxation and the benefits they provide to me as a citizen. Wow, I wish I had Mao’s little red book to wave around right now!

I am against waste, and raising taxes to compensate for it is abhorrent to me as a conservative. I think people should take responsibility for themselves and for their lives and stop waiting for The Government to come to their recue. Libertarian Bruce says to hell with government. Dump the whole thing and save all kinds of money. Now all I need is a farm, some barbed wire and a cache of military surplus supplies and weapons.

I suppose at this point I need to say that in my metaphor there is also room for a few electives to round out the degree and they are classically liberal. Thinking about those, I have to accept that some people need more help than others and that the people, in the form of The Government, will benefit as a society by helping them to develop and should be willing to invest in their potential.

Bruce on the death penalty:

I’m against the death penalty in principle, although I find myself making exceptions. You will never see me standing outside San Quentin holding a sign because I couldn’t care less about people on death row. I have no doubt they deserve it, I just don’t think we have the right to kill them. That said, I have no trouble with the idea of prison cells taking the form of pits with a grating over them.

Bruce on abortion:

I am most definitely prolife. That said, I wouldn’t outlaw choice because I remember when women and girls went to back-ally butchers and I won’t bring that back. I’ll just work on creating a world where people will always prefer to keep their babies. It is curious how my only truly moderate position leaves me with almost everyone mad at me.

Well, I’m rapidly approaching my self-allotted one thousand words. Hopefully this will give the two or three people reading this who actually care some insight into the guy who will probably be whining about the President for the next four or eight years.

I see he just announced at a news conference that The Government is now the economy’s only hope. Look at the hand Bruce, look at the hand.